Parenting Tool
Want to know what motivates your child?
Children, like adults, behave in certain ways to get a particular result and express a specific need. Although there are many different behaviors we display, most often we are looking for verbal and/or nonverbal messages that we matter (attention) to the world around us and that we can influence (power) that world.
The Four Basic Goals of Misbehavior
|
Goal |
Child's Faulty Belief |
Example | Parent's Response |
Child's Response to Parent |
| Attention | "I belong only when I am being notice" |
Active: Passive: Forgetting, neglecting chores |
Annoyed | Child temporarily stops behavior. Later repeats behavior or does something else to attract attention. |
| Power | "I belong only when I am in control or proving no one can control me." |
Active: Aggressiveness, defiance, disobedience, hostility
Passive: Stubbornness, resistance |
Angry, provoked
Fight power with power or give in |
When parent fights back, child intensifies or submits with "defiant compliance."
When parent gives in, child stops. |
| Revenge | "I do not feel love or lovable so I hurt others because I hurt." |
Active: Hurtfulness, rudeness, violence, destructiveness Passive: Staring hurtfully at others |
Deeply hurt
Retaliates |
Seeks further revenge by intensifying attack or choosing another "weapon" |
|
Display of Inadequacy |
"I am helpless and incapable, so I convince others not to expect anything from me." |
Passive only: Quitting easily, avoid trying | Despairing, hopeless, discouraged | Validated feelings on inadequacy |
The Two Basic Goals of Positive Behavior
| Goals | Child's Belief | Child's Behavior |
How Parent's Encourage Positive Goals |
|
Attention Involvement Acceptance |
"I belong and get acceptance by contributing to the family." |
Helps Volunteers Cooperates |
Share individual and family goals in family meeting. Recognize and let child know you appreciate assistance and cooperation |
|
Power Autonomy Independence |
"I am able to make my own decisions and be responsible for my behavior." |
Makes own decisions Works without being prodded Is resourceful |
Encourage decision making. Express confidence. |
Most child and adolescent (and adult) misbehavior can be corrected when those two needs are met. However, most of us need some help learning how to effectively foster the needs of attention and power. Let Duggan Therapy LLC help you learn easy ways to correct behavior problems in your home.
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